I thought as time went on I would lose the grief. Maybe I have lost some but what is harder is creating a new life alone. Each day in different ways I find what it is to live alone, to have no one to talk to, no one to know when I am gone or if something happens to me that I can’t come home.
In time I may find some single or widowed friends that can help. What I fear is that if any male pays attention to me I will fall hard and fast. I was taught growing up that you are nothing without a man. Since sixteen I have either been dating or married. I have had the love of many men and always attracted men. No I am at the invisible age. I am attractive, intelligent and financially secure but no man looks at me twice.
I feel in my heart that God wants me to take this time to learn to let him meet all of my needs. Instead of resting in his care I find myself trying to find a way to go back to a comfortable know way of life with a spouse. I am like the Israelites who wanted a king instead of being led by God.